Surviving Birthdays & Mother’s Days as an Adoptive Child and as an Mom

Legacy of an Adopted Child (unknown author)
Once there were two women,

Who never knew each other.

One you do not remember,

The other you call Mother.

Two different lives,

Shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first one gave you life,

And the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.

One gave you a talent,

The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide,

The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me through your tears,

The age old question, unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment,

Which are you a product of?

Neither my darling, Neither;

Just two different kinds of love.
Can you imagine the confusion a child who was adopted must feel?  Especially my oldest child.  She remembers the orphanage (and its workers who abused and neglected her) and us coming to adopt her.  She doesn’t remember her birthmother.

I can’t reveal much (but she can when she’s older if she chooses to).  We hired a private investigator to learn all we could about our oldest daughter’s birth family.  We wanted her to have this.  It’s part of who she is and we want her to be proud of the person she is.  She should never feel ashamed or less than because of her beginnings.  None of this was her fault.

She knows we are thankful for her birthmother because without her, we wouldn’t have our daughter.  She knows her birthmother didn’t always make great decisions.  She wishes she could have been in MY belly because she saw me take care of our two biological daughters and wishes she’d had great prenatal care.  On top of all of this she struggles with both FAS and RAD.  Like most children with RAD, she tries to sabotage my birthday and Mother’s Day.  Why?  It’s how she copes and the one way (she thinks) she can have control.  This is how the mind works of a child whose needs were not met in formative years.

So, my new plan is to, with the help of her therapist, celebrate her birthmother’s birthday and celebrate her birthmother on Mother’s Day.  We’ve talked to our daughter about this and she really likes this idea.  We’ll see how it goes.

How do you celebrate your child’s birth family?

Amanda Alexander, M.B.A.

Founder and Special Needs Advocate

Adoptive Parents Persevering (APPS)




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